{"id":7402,"date":"2017-05-03T16:03:54","date_gmt":"2017-05-03T16:03:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.planetofsuccess.com\/blog\/?p=7402"},"modified":"2020-02-09T16:37:51","modified_gmt":"2020-02-09T16:37:51","slug":"funny-quotes-and-sayings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.planetofsuccess.com\/blog\/funny-quotes-and-sayings\/","title":{"rendered":"85 Brilliantly Funny Quotes and Sayings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes in life, you simply need some humor to cheer you up. When the going gets tough and stress abounds, a little dose of humor can work true miracles. In fact, laughter and humor can be quite beneficial for your overall health. There\u2019s a good reason why so many \u2013 often humorously \u2013 point out that “laughter is the best medicine.\u201d While laughter may not be able to cure diseases, it has been shown numerous times that it can beneficially affect your mental and physical health. Laughter is said to improve your emotional health, helps you to bond more easily with others, lowers your anxiety and stress levels, and can even strengthen your immune system. What is even better is that laughter comes without side effects and expensive medical bills. To celebrate the joy of good laughter, we\u2019ve created the following collection of absolutely funny quotes and sayings.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s face it, with a good dose of humor, everything in life looks a lot brighter. What is even more amazing about humor is that it can magically transform your own mood \u2013 or that of others \u2013 almost instantly.<\/p>\n

\n

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did \u2013 in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
\nBob Monkhouse<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Humor is not only an excellent icebreaker but it also helps you to break the tension in heated situations. At the same time, humor can brighten your life and helps you to reduce stress.<\/p>\n

\"Funny
Enjoy the following collection of funny quotes and sayings!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Aside from the many health benefits humor provides, it can also powerfully influence how other people perceive you. In fact, human resource managers believe that an employee with a good sense of humor can more easily diffuse stressful situations. For this reason, showing a certain sense of humor during a job interview may help you to (slightly) increase your chances of getting the job.<\/p>\n

85 Brilliantly Funny Quotes and Sayings<\/h2>\n

What is so beautiful about funny quotes and sayings is that they never fail to provide you something to laugh about. In fact, these quotes contain some of the funniest statements ever made. Whenever you need something to cheer you up, these humorous quotes are almost guaranteed to do the job.<\/p>\n

Here is our collection of truly funny quotes and sayings<\/h4>\n

1.<\/h3>\n

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
\nRobert Benchley<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Funny<\/p>\n

2.<\/h3>\n

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
\nSteven Wright<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Funny<\/p>\n

3.<\/h3>\n

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
\nDouglas Adams<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Funny<\/p>\n

4.<\/h3>\n

“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
\nKurt Vonnegut<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Funny<\/p>\n

5.<\/h3>\n

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
\nGeorge Carlin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Funny<\/p>\n

6.<\/h3>\n

“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a […] god.”
\nDark Jar Tin Zoo<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7.<\/h3>\n

“I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.”
\nGustave Flaubert<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

8.<\/h3>\n

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.”
\nDemetri Martin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

9.<\/h3>\n

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
\nMindy Kaling<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

10.<\/h3>\n

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
\nBill Maher<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

11.<\/h3>\n

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
\nGroucho Marx<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

12.<\/h3>\n

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
\nWill Rogers<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

13.<\/h3>\n

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
\nMark Twain<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

14.<\/h3>\n

“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
\nH.L. Mencken<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

15.<\/h3>\n

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tendernessIt means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
\nHenny Youngman<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

16.<\/h3>\n

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!”
\nBill Watterson<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

17.<\/h3>\n

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
\nWinston S. Churchill<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

18.<\/h3>\n

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
\nRodney Dangerfield<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

19.<\/h3>\n

“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”
\nNiels Bohr<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

20.<\/h3>\n

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
\nColleen Hoover<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

21.<\/h3>\n

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
\nLily Tomlin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

22.<\/h3>\n

“I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of […].”
\nJohn Green<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

23.<\/h3>\n

“Come on, Rory! It isn’t rocket science, it’s just quantum physics!”
\nSteven Moffat<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

24.<\/h3>\n

“No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it”
\nFernando Pessoa<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

25.<\/h3>\n

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
\nElbert Hubbard<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

26.<\/h3>\n

“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”
\nC. JoyBell C.<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

27.<\/h3>\n

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
\nJerry Seinfeld<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

28.<\/h3>\n

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
\nMarian Keyes<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

29.<\/h3>\n

“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”
\nRay Bradbury<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

30.<\/h3>\n

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
\nEllen DeGeneres<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

31.<\/h3>\n

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
\nLawrence Ferlinghetti<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

32.<\/h3>\n

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
\nDave Barry<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

33.<\/h3>\n

“Screw this. He\u2019d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal\u2014my favorite way to play.”
\nRachel Vincent<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

34.<\/h3>\n

“People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it’s impossible to count them accurately.”
\nOscar Wilde<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

35.<\/h3>\n

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot.”
\nJerry Lewis<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

36.<\/h3>\n

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”
\nWoody Allen<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

37.<\/h3>\n

“Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.”
\nCharles M. Schulz<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

38.<\/h3>\n

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
\nEllen DeGeneres<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

39.<\/h3>\n

“I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.”
\nLaurie Halse Anderson<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

40.<\/h3>\n

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
\nBill Cosby<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

41.<\/h3>\n

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
\nMark Twain<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

42.<\/h3>\n

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
\nBlaise Pascal<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

43.<\/h3>\n

“I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.”
\nPeter Ustinov<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

44.<\/h3>\n

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
\nGeorge Carlin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

45.<\/h3>\n

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
\nYogi Berra<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

46.<\/h3>\n

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. \u201e
\nWendell Johnson<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

47.<\/h3>\n

“Short cuts make long delays.”
\nJ.R.R. Tolkien<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

48.<\/h3>\n

“Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something. \u201e
\nGertrude Stein<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

49.<\/h3>\n

“Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.”
\nRichelle Mead<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

50.<\/h3>\n

“What about a compromise \u2013 I\u2019ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I\u2019ll apologize.”
\nRick Riordan<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

51.<\/h3>\n

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
\nWill Rogers<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

52.<\/h3>\n

“Sometimes you know you’ve got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn’t so messed up, it wouldn’t be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn’t.”
\nNick Hornby<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

53.<\/h3>\n

“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
\nEllen DeGeneres<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

54.<\/h3>\n

“We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.”
\nDouglas Adams<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

55.<\/h3>\n

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
\nGeorge Carlin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

56.<\/h3>\n

“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down\u2014or cheeks up.”
\nCharlaine Harris<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

57.<\/h3>\n

“How very wet this water is.”
\nL. Frank Baum<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

58.<\/h3>\n

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
\nIsaac Asimov<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

59.<\/h3>\n

“[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.”
\nWilliam Shakespeare<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

60.<\/h3>\n

“Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when–”
\nCassandra Clare<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

61.<\/h3>\n

“‘The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.’ Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. ‘Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one.’\u201e
\nTerry Pratchett<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

62.<\/h3>\n

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.”
\nBertrand Russell<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

63.<\/h3>\n

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
\nRobert Orben<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

64.<\/h3>\n

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
\nCriss Jami<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

65.<\/h3>\n

“The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
\nJohn Green<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

66.<\/h3>\n

“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”
\nD.J. MacHale<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

67.<\/h3>\n

“Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail…”
\nSophie Kinsella<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

68.<\/h3>\n

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
\nRodney Dangerfield<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

69.<\/h3>\n

“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”
\nOscar Wilde<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

70.<\/h3>\n

“Every day’s a negotiation and sometimes it’s done with guns.”
\nJoss Whedon<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

71.<\/h3>\n

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
\nZsa Zsa Gabor<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

72.<\/h3>\n

“Um… Mercer, haven’t seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, ‘Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I’ve longed–”
\nRachel Hawkins<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

73.<\/h3>\n

“There’s a time and place for everything, and I believe it\u2019s called ‘fan fiction’.”
\nJoss Whedon<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

74.<\/h3>\n

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you needWell, besides an alibi for the time of her husband\u2019s murder.?”
\nDark Jar Tin Zoo<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

75.<\/h3>\n

“I’d rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.”
\nTerry Pratchett<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

76.<\/h3>\n

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
\nLaurell K. Hamilton<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

77.<\/h3>\n

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
\nOscar Wilde<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

78.<\/h3>\n

“Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.”
\nFriedrich Nietzsche<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

79.<\/h3>\n

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
\nGeorge Carlin<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

80.<\/h3>\n

“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”
\nStephen Chbosky<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

81.<\/h3>\n

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
\nDorothy Parker<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

82.<\/h3>\n

“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
\nBill Hicks<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

83.<\/h3>\n

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
\nRodney Dangerfield<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

84.<\/h3>\n

“This is a team of gay dudes, isn’t it?”
\nWhat gave it away? The pink shirts, or half our team drooling over you?”
\nSimone Elkeles<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

85.<\/h3>\n

“This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”
\nCharles M. Schulz<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I hope you enjoyed reading this collection of funny quotes and sayings. What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?<\/p>\n

Stay victorious!<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes in life, you simply need some humor to cheer you up. When the going gets tough and stress abounds, a little dose of humor can work true miracles. In fact, laughter and humor can be quite beneficial for your overall health. There\u2019s a good reason why so many \u2013 often humorously \u2013 point out<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7404,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1098],"tags":[1221,1222,648],"class_list":{"0":"post-7402","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-quotes","8":"tag-fun","9":"tag-humor","10":"tag-quotes"},"yoast_head":"\n85 Brilliantly Funny Quotes and Sayings - Planet of Success<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you looking for some hilariously funny quotes? 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