{"id":6073,"date":"2016-07-13T16:23:48","date_gmt":"2016-07-13T16:23:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.planetofsuccess.com\/blog\/?p=6073"},"modified":"2020-02-10T17:34:17","modified_gmt":"2020-02-10T17:34:17","slug":"power-of-emotional-vulnerability","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.planetofsuccess.com\/blog\/power-of-emotional-vulnerability\/","title":{"rendered":"The Hidden Power of Emotional Vulnerability"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last year my girlfriend and I taught English in South Korea, and aside from being an amazing experience, it was one of the hardest things we\u2019ve done as a couple. Some schools out there offer \u201ccouples jobs\u201d which entail the two of you to interview together (a la Will Ferrell\u2019s Stepbrothers), and then work together, and live together. Sounds easy enough, right?<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

We would literally spend all our time together; from the moment we woke up to the second we went to bed, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To make matters worse, the apartment we shared was a tiny studio apartment roughly 4m\u00b2. We had no escape from each other. In a distant land, with an eight-hour time difference, we suddenly became each other\u2019s entire support network. We had to be each other\u2019s Mum, Dad, and friendship circle.<\/p>\n

\"Power
When we open ourselves emotionally, we become vulnerable but we also make room for something exciting.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

With so much emotional weight on each other, we began arguing. I\u2019m a passive-aggressive person, and will often avoid arguments by simply going somewhere else. My girlfriend has an explosive anger that needs to be expunged before she can continue with her day. As I\u2019m sure you can see, we have very different and uncomplimentary ways of expressing anger.<\/p>\n

The Hidden Power of Emotional Vulnerability<\/h2>\n

So, we reached an impasse. Our relationship couldn\u2019t progress. We were constantly fighting\/resenting\/being frustrated at each other. We saw two solutions; break up, or communicate better.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cWhat happens when people open their hearts? They get better.\u201d
\nHaruki Murakami<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

What\u2019s being emotionally vulnerable got to do with communication?<\/h3>\n

Great question! My girlfriend and I started reading all kinds of books about relationships and we found that, in the words of master Yoda, \u201cfear leads to anger\u2026 anger leads to hate\u2026 hate leads to suffering\u201d. We logically worked our way backward from our suffering and realized that all the anger we were expressing toward each other, and all the negative emotions we forced the other to carry, was a result of fear.<\/p>\n

Now \u201cfear\u201d as a term is pretty meaningless. There are so many kinds of fear; things that make you nervous, things that give you anxiety, fear of physical pain, fear of emotional pain, rational fear, phobias, and so on. However, for the majority of these (other than rational fear) a typical emotional response when asked to perform an action that makes you feel that fear is anger.<\/p>\n

However, that anger is a learned response. A force of habit. Instead of allowing ourselves to show just how terrified we are, we dismiss an action or activity by saying things like \u201cthat\u2019s stupid!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t be ridiculous!\u201d or (my favorite) \u201cWhat\u2019s the point?!\u201d<\/p>\n

To relate this back to the story, my girlfriend and I were terrified of:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Losing the other person<\/li>\n
  • That we\u2019ve wasted four years of our lives<\/li>\n
  • That we\u2019re not good enough for the other<\/li>\n
  • That we\u2019re not as sexy as we think we are<\/li>\n
  • The other person not accepting who we truly are<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Normal relationship fears that were compounded by the fact that, suddenly, it was just the two of us. Spending all day together. Being watched by our spouse every waking hour. Knowing that they could see the darker side to us.<\/p>\n

    It was only when we agreed on creating safe non-judgemental conversation spaces, that we began feeling less angry, less resentful, and less scared. When we began sharing our fears with each other and when the other reacts in a supportive and accepting way, did we begin to, not only love each other more but love ourselves more.<\/p>\n

    Isn\u2019t this article about emotional vulnerability?<\/h3>\n

    Alright! I\u2019ll get to point. What my girlfriend and I had discovered was that by overcoming our fear of rejection and opening our ego and self-beliefs to attack, it made our relationship stronger. Being \u201cemotionally vulnerable\u201d is all about allowing yourself to show others sides of yourself that may go against who you believe yourself to be. I understand that this seems like an oxymoron, so I\u2019ll illustrate with some of my own personal examples;<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
    Self-belief<\/th>\nEmotional vulnerability<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n
    I\u2019m confident in every social situation I find myself in, and am incredibly charismatic<\/td>\nPeople think I\u2019m an arrogant prick that assumes everyone likes him<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    I can do anything I set my mind to<\/td>\nI\u2019ve never done anything that difficult, and if I were to do anything truly hard, I\u2019d crash and burn<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    I\u2019m in control of my emotions<\/td>\nI need to be in control of my emotions or people will think I\u2019m weak<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Despite having self-beliefs about ourselves, it\u2019s also possible to believe the opposite. We all have fears and doubts about our identity, social standing, ability, mental prowess, and relationships. It can be very difficult to talk about them, especially in today\u2019s \u201ceverything must be positive, or else…\u201d climate.<\/p>\n

    Working in the sector that I do (wealth, success, personal development) I feel that there is a huge movement of people that are determined to shield themselves from any kind of emotional vulnerability because it will either:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • a) Spiral out of control and wreck their confidence<\/li>\n
    • b) Be used against them<\/li>\n
    • c) No one\u2019s showed them how it can be useful.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Now we\u2019re getting somewhere! How can being emotionally vulnerable help you?<\/p>\n

      Incredibly, once my girlfriend and I started sharing our fears and weaknesses with each other we both became; emotionally stronger, more confident, and better at forming deeper relationships. And this wasn’t just with each other, this was with everyone.<\/p>\n

      How emotional vulnerability makes you stronger<\/h4>\n

      By sharing with my partner (and trusted loved ones) my fears and insecurities, I overcame a fear of rejection. One of Freud\u2019s theories is that the majority of our emotional issues stem from our fear of rejection. Typically, this starts as a child. Freud suggested that many of our complexes and insecurities come from childhood when winning a parent\u2019s attention was the most important thing in our lives. A classic example of this is the spoiled rich kid that acts out when they get the chance to in an effort to gain the full attention of their work-obsessed parents.<\/p>\n

      One of my (and I think most people\u2019s) biggest fears is that people will shun me, or not want to be around me. Especially in success and wealth circles, there is a culture of disapproving of people that talk about their problems and insecurities. \u201cYou must surround yourself with positive thinkers,\u201d the books say, \u201cif anyone around you is a negative influence, stop hanging out with them\u201d. To be able to share my problems and issues with someone else, and they want to stick around, made me understand that people appreciate a well-rounded individual. Not just an everything-is-always-great energetic hyper-positive person.<\/p>\n

      How it boosts your confidence<\/h4>\n

      Similarly, as I\u2019ve become more in tune and accepting of aspects of my personality that I\u2019m uncomfortable with, I\u2019ve become far more confident. Here\u2019s an analogy I\u2019ve been using to describe how this works:<\/p>\n

      Imagine a soft, squidgy thing, protected by a hard shell. The soft, squidgy thing are your emotional vulnerabilities and the hard shell is your ego. By never letting the soft, squidgy thing outside of its hard shell, you never give it a chance to get stronger. Once you can take the soft, squidgy part out, and share it with someone, it makes it tougher and more resilient. Take it out enough times, and there\u2019s no difference between the hard shell and the soft, squidgy bit. They\u2019ve been united!<\/p>\n

      Through practice and hard work, my emotional insecurities don\u2019t feel as much of a weakness as they did before. For example, my issue with thinking that maybe some people don\u2019t like me has now vanished! Through talking about it with my girlfriend and my close friends, I realized that it\u2019s ok if some people don\u2019t like me because that\u2019s just the way some people are. During the conversation, we all shared stories about people that didn\u2019t like us (for no apparent reason) and how we got through it.<\/p>\n

      How it gives your relationships more meaning<\/h4>\n

      I\u2019ve briefly touched on this concept in the previous sections, but it\u2019s amazing how much deeper my close relationships have become due to sharing our emotional vulnerabilities. I think that this is due to two reasons:<\/p>\n

        \n
      • It feels great to help your friends out<\/li>\n
      • It gives them permission to talk about their emotional vulnerabilities<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        The first reason is known as the \u201cBen Franklin effect,\u201d simply put; we form a closer bond with the people that we help. When you ask a favor of someone, they\u2019re more likely to associate you as a closer friend. In the same way, when we ask our friends for emotional support, you\u2019re essentially asking them for a favor. Now, I\u2019m not saying that you should unload all of your emotional baggage onto your mates every time you hang out. What I am saying is that when you really need to talk to someone, ask around, you\u2019ll be amazed at how flattered people are to be asked!<\/p>\n

        The second reason is that if you\u2019re comfortable talking about your fears and anxieties, you unconsciously give others permission to talk about themselves. When your guard is dropped, the majority of people then feel compelled to drop theirs. Like in the example I gave about learning that it\u2019s ok to be disliked, everyone has a story to tell when the same thing happened to them. By learning more about our friends and providing a safe environment to talk about our emotional vulnerabilities, you create a stronger bond through trust and empathy.<\/p>\n

        All this sounds amazing! What are 3 steps I can take today?<\/h4>\n

        Although I\u2019ve made \u201cbeing emotionally vulnerable\u201d sound like a secret holiday destination that no one knows about, it\u2019s actually a difficult (but life-changing) undertaking. One of the things I\u2019ve struggled with most was (and still is) showing others my fears and weaknesses, even to people that I trust and love. The following techniques are things that I\u2019ve done to help me become more in touch with myself and able to communicate with my partner\/loved ones.<\/p>\n

        Again, I\u2019m not suggesting you start unloading your emotional baggage to the person sitting next to you on the bus, or revealing your deepest fears the next time the postman rings your doorbell. What I\u2019m suggesting is that you look inside yourself and see yourself as who you truly are, not who you think you are, and not as your insecurities would have you think, but exactly as you are.<\/p>\n

        The four following questions helped me be more objective about my emotional vulnerabilities and enabled me to figure out how best to talk about them to my partner:<\/p>\n

          \n
        1. What are 20 things that scare you\/make you nervous\/ cause anxiety?<\/li>\n
        2. What do the words \u201cemotional security\u201d mean to you?<\/li>\n
        3. How can you build that environment for yourself?<\/li>\n
        4. What are some effective ways of expressing emotions?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          By externalizing your fears, and ways of dealing with them, you already have symbolically and physically shared them with another, even if it\u2019s just a piece of paper. The first question enables you to actually look at your fears and from an outside perspective, allowing you to feel a greater sense of control over them. The second question is designed to help you to understand the best environment to share those fears, and how to create that environment. The fourth question is about how best to express yourself, don\u2019t just think about you. Think of all the ways that people express emotions and then rule out the ones that you\u2019re completely uncomfortable with e.g. “I can\u2019t paint, so I wouldn\u2019t use that method to express myself.”<\/p>\n

          What are your experiences with making yourself emotionally vulnerable?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

          Last year my girlfriend and I taught English in South Korea, and aside from being an amazing experience, it was one of the hardest things we\u2019ve done as a couple. Some schools out there offer \u201ccouples jobs\u201d which entail the two of you to interview together (a la Will Ferrell\u2019s Stepbrothers), and then work together,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":6076,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[368],"tags":[1155],"class_list":{"0":"post-6073","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-limiting-beliefs","8":"tag-emotions"},"yoast_head":"\nThe Hidden Power of Emotional Vulnerability - Planet of Success<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Strength can be found from being emotional vulnerable. 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