85 Brilliantly Funny Quotes and Sayings

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Sometimes in life, you simply need some humor to cheer you up. When the going gets tough and stress abounds, a little dose of humor can work true miracles. In fact, laughter and humor can be quite beneficial for your overall health. There’s a good reason why so many – often humorously – point out that “laughter is the best medicine.” While laughter may not be able to cure diseases, it has been shown numerous times that it can beneficially affect your mental and physical health. Laughter is said to improve your emotional health, helps you to bond more easily with others, lowers your anxiety and stress levels, and can even strengthen your immune system. What is even better is that laughter comes without side effects and expensive medical bills. To celebrate the joy of good laughter, we’ve created the following collection of absolutely funny quotes and sayings.

Let’s face it, with a good dose of humor, everything in life looks a lot brighter. What is even more amazing about humor is that it can magically transform your own mood – or that of others – almost instantly.

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
Bob Monkhouse

Humor is not only an excellent icebreaker but it also helps you to break the tension in heated situations. At the same time, humor can brighten your life and helps you to reduce stress.

Funny quotes and sayings

Enjoy the following collection of funny quotes and sayings!

Aside from the many health benefits humor provides, it can also powerfully influence how other people perceive you. In fact, human resource managers believe that an employee with a good sense of humor can more easily diffuse stressful situations. For this reason, showing a certain sense of humor during a job interview may help you to (slightly) increase your chances of getting the job.

85 Brilliantly Funny Quotes and Sayings

What is so beautiful about funny quotes and sayings is that they never fail to provide you something to laugh about. In fact, these quotes contain some of the funniest statements ever made. Whenever you need something to cheer you up, these humorous quotes are almost guaranteed to do the job.

Here is our collection of truly funny quotes and sayings

1.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

Funny quotes

2.

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright

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3.

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams

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4.

“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
Kurt Vonnegut

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5.

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
George Carlin

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6.

“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a […] god.”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo

7.

“I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.”
Gustave Flaubert

8.

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.”
Demetri Martin

9.

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
Mindy Kaling

10.

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
Bill Maher

11.

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Groucho Marx

12.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
Will Rogers

13.

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

14.

“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
H.L. Mencken

15.

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tendernessIt means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
Henny Youngman

16.

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!”
Bill Watterson

17.

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston S. Churchill

18.

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Rodney Dangerfield

19.

“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”
Niels Bohr

20.

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Colleen Hoover

21.

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin

22.

“I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of […].”
John Green

23.

“Come on, Rory! It isn’t rocket science, it’s just quantum physics!”
Steven Moffat

24.

“No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it”
Fernando Pessoa

25.

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard

26.

“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”
C. JoyBell C.

27.

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
Jerry Seinfeld

28.

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
Marian Keyes

29.

“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”
Ray Bradbury

30.

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres

31.

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

32.

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
Dave Barry

33.

“Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.”
Rachel Vincent

34.

“People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it’s impossible to count them accurately.”
Oscar Wilde

35.

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot.”
Jerry Lewis

36.

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”
Woody Allen

37.

“Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.”
Charles M. Schulz

38.

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
Ellen DeGeneres

39.

“I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.”
Laurie Halse Anderson

40.

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
Bill Cosby

41.

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
Mark Twain

42.

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Blaise Pascal

43.

“I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.”
Peter Ustinov

44.

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

45.

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
Yogi Berra

46.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. „
Wendell Johnson

47.

“Short cuts make long delays.”
J.R.R. Tolkien

48.

“Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something. „
Gertrude Stein

49.

“Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.”
Richelle Mead

50.

“What about a compromise – I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
Rick Riordan

51.

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

52.

“Sometimes you know you’ve got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn’t so messed up, it wouldn’t be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn’t.”
Nick Hornby

53.

“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
Ellen DeGeneres

54.

“We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.”
Douglas Adams

55.

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
George Carlin

56.

“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”
Charlaine Harris

57.

“How very wet this water is.”
L. Frank Baum

58.

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
Isaac Asimov

59.

“[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.”
William Shakespeare

60.

“Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when–”
Cassandra Clare

61.

“‘The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.’ Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. ‘Well, of course, it is. It has to deal with the male one.’„
Terry Pratchett

62.

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.”
Bertrand Russell

63.

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
Robert Orben

64.

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
Criss Jami

65.

“The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
John Green

66.

“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”
D.J. MacHale

67.

“Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail…”
Sophie Kinsella

68.

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
Rodney Dangerfield

69.

“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”
Oscar Wilde

70.

“Every day’s a negotiation and sometimes it’s done with guns.”
Joss Whedon

71.

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

72.

“Um… Mercer, haven’t seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, ‘Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I’ve longed–”
Rachel Hawkins

73.

“There’s a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called ‘fan fiction’.”
Joss Whedon

74.

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you needWell, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.?”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo

75.

“I’d rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.”
Terry Pratchett

76.

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
Laurell K. Hamilton

77.

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
Oscar Wilde

78.

“Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

79.

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
George Carlin

80.

“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”
Stephen Chbosky

81.

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
Dorothy Parker

82.

“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
Bill Hicks

83.

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
Rodney Dangerfield

84.

“This is a team of gay dudes, isn’t it?”
What gave it away? The pink shirts, or half our team drooling over you?”
Simone Elkeles

85.

“This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”
Charles M. Schulz

I hope you enjoyed reading this collection of funny quotes and sayings.

Stay victorious!


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About Author

Steve is the founder of Planet of Success, the #1 choice when it comes to motivation, self-growth and empowerment. This world does not need followers. What it needs is people who stand in their own sovereignty. Join us in the quest to live life to the fullest!

1 Comment

  1. Oh my these are actually hilarious! I’m bookmarking the page so I can tweet them later 😉

    Thanks for sharing, Steve.

    Cheers!

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